My Obsession

Why does this need to be so difficult? I've read everything there is to know about weight loss and being healthy. Hell, I could probably write my own book and make millions on it. We'd just have to substitute my picture for someone else. Who'd want to buy a weight loss book from a fat guy? For some reason putting a plan into place and knowing what to do is the easy part, it's the follow through that I can't seem to get.

Recently I've had some health issues creep up. Yes, I went and saw my doctor who really didn't seem alarmed at all. What I thought were blood clots in my legs from lack of circulation he said was an infection, easily treatable with a course of antibiotics. I think he missed the big picture to be honest. He made no mention of my 140/100 blood pressure which is still going on unchecked and unregulated. Or the fact that I've gained 35 pounds since I saw him last. The long term health risks literally scare the shit out of me. You'd think that would be enough for me to get my act together. But I'm sure a heroine addict knows damn well that shooting up isn't good for him either. The health issues are on my mind day and night. I'm scaring the death out of my poor wife. Why she puts up with my crap I'll never know. Someone asked me recently if I was the same person that she married back in 1994 and if she had to do it again would she marry the person I am now. Wow, talk about a kick in the teeth. I couldn't answer that. I just can't see that she would. Not only is this unattractive, but unhealthy as well. Who wants that!

Thats right, I said it. It's unhealthy to be fat. You'd think that by now some government would ban unhealthy foods as a matter of national security. Seriously, who'd want a whole squadron of 350 pound guys on a battlefield? Lets face it, they aren't the most agile of creatures, and they are a bigger target, and casualties I'm sure, would mount to astronomical levels. So wouldn't it be in our governments best interest to shut down these Cheeseburger houses of doom? Yeah, I know. I can't sue McDonald's for me being fat. *sigh* On to the next idea.

For me this is becoming an obsession. Is that good or bad? It's what I think about from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. What am I going to eat, how much, is that mayo fat free? etc etc etc. This could easily consume your entire day. Planning your day, counting your calories, how much fat did I eat? Was that too many carbs? No wonder I'm tired when I get home. My brain is in overdrive thinking about food all day long. Trying to keep everything in order and stick top my game plan. Then, the moment I screw up and eat the wrong thing my attitude is to just say "fuck it" eat whatever the hell I want and start all over the next day. Lets just say, that I've yet to do two back to back days of eating right.

Oh well.. fuck it, lets try again tomorrow.

Theory: More sleep = Less energy

I really dislike blogging.

I'm compelled to write exactly whats on my mind, and put everything down in nice sentences and paragraphs. But my mind doesn't work this way. It's fragmented. Like a big screwed up hard drive that needs some maintenance. And seeing as how my wife is an incredible english teacher that also reads my blog, I'm terrified that my grammar is really poor and that I'll get a good flogging once she reads this. Which could actually turn out to be some fun. :)

What do I want to write about?
Whats on my mind right now is going to the gym. Here is the funny thing about that. I always want to go to the gym right after lunch, Monday through Thursday. I have all the energy in the world after lunch. I'll call my wife and make plans with her to go after work which has ALWAYS been canceled (by me) once I arrive home. By 5pm, I'm spent. There is no energy left in the tank for the gym. Why does this phenomenon happen only on Monday-Thursday? Good question, I don't have a clue other than those are the only days I work. So you'd think that since I only work 4 days a week and have three days off, that I'd have plenty of time to go to the gym. You'd be right. But for some reason the energy that I get Monday - Thursday is not there on Friday, Saturday or Sunday. It's like some kind of astrological anomaly or something. After Thursday, there is no energy to be found!!

So where did it go?
Well, here is my theory. During the week. I get an average of 3.75 hours of sleep per night. Why so little you ask? Some nights it's stupid television. Reality shows, man vs. wild, Discovery channel. On other nights, it's world of warcraft, my second addiction. There are beasties to slay till the wee hours of the morning and I get distracted. Before I know it, it's 1:30 am and the alarm comes at 5am. Which I don't usually have any problem waking up for. The weekends are a different story.

Friday, Saturday and Sunday I probably get closer to 9-10 hours per night. Way too much in my opinion. What a complete waste of time. On these days, I feel worse. It's hard to crawl out of bed. Once I'm up, there just seems to be no energy to do anything. My body aches, my joints are stiff and I just don't want to do anything. So I'm pretty convinced that sleep is the problem. Who needs it. If I could just get my 4 hours on the weekends, maybe I'd have the energy for the gym!

Yeah...right.

I've lost an old friend.....

In my quest for a healthier me, I've had to make some changes. What I eat, the quantity I eat and of course what I drink. I grew up in a house where pop (soda to the rest of you oddballs) was the main thing in the house. Water was just something that you cooked pasta in, or cooked with in some regard. Pop was for drinking.

You were never far from a plethora of soda choices no matter which relatives house you went to. And it wasn't uncommon to sit down and drink 3-4 cans at a time. It wasn't until I was in my early 20's when I really discovered my soon to be best friend Coke. No, not the imported stuff from our South American friends, I'm speaking of Coca-Cola. Black gold...Atlanta tea!

Working long hours in a hot sweaty print shop, you were always thirsty and luckily we happened to have a small store just across the street. In a normal day, we'd run over to the store each morning, and grab a two liter of coke. That would last for an eight hour shift. 67.62 ounces of carbonated sugary goodness. It was a taste a grew to love and I seldom went a day in the last 15 years without it. Until now...

I've given up my old friend Coke. With this change for a healthier me and the days of ingesting an entire days worth of calories in soda alone behind me, I'm left struggling for a good replacement. And since Diet soda is more likely to pickle my gizzards in a chemical soup, I think I'll just stick to that stuff that my family cooks pasta in.

Buona notte e sogni d'oro!

Resolution 2009

So, It's getting to be resolution time. The time of the year where I make a promise to myself to change something I don't like. Every year it's the same thing. Lose some weight, spend more time with my family and all of that. Each year I make these promises and each year I fail miserably at them, usually not making it out of the first two weeks before forgetting what I had promised myself I'd do. Yeah, I know it's sad. So this year I'm up for something new.

No more resolutions. I'm done with that. Why make a promise that I know I won't keep in the first place. Thats not to say that I'm not interested in changing my life for the better, it just means that I'm going to make a promise on January 1st and have that be the start of the rest of my life. Any day can be the start of something new, why wait until January 1st. It's never worked for me in the past, why would it work for me now. I do have plans though...I think.

My goal for 2009 in general is to just be healthier. This is my number one goal. For me, this trumps everything. Family, friends, wealth etc etc etc. None of those are as important to me as my health. Don't get me wrong, my family is always number one, hands down. But what good am I to them if I'm dead and buried by 37? All of those other things mean nothing if I can't be there to enjoy them, and thats why fixing myself is the most important.

Fourteen years ago when my oldest daughter was born, I weighed in at a whopping 230 pounds. And I said to myself at the time that I needed to get some of that weight off so that I can chase my kid around. 10 years later and I was up to 250 pounds. I can remember a trip to Tennessee when we went horse back riding and I was at the weight limit for the horses. I was thinking to myself that this poor horse is killing himself dragging my fat ass around the woods and that if I were him I'd just stop and not move another inch in protest. Thankfully he brought me out of the woods.

Now, four years later, I'm 100 pounds heavier. Whats going on? This year was a major disappointment for me. I started this year at 310. And while being conscious about what I was eating and doing, managed to gain 40 more pounds. I did some sessions with a nutritionist, learned what I should and shouldn't be eating. It's just not working. I know what I need to do, and how to do it. I just don't have the motivation. So maybe this blog will work. we'll see.

B