Wednesday, February 18, 2009

My Obsession

Why does this need to be so difficult? I've read everything there is to know about weight loss and being healthy. Hell, I could probably write my own book and make millions on it. We'd just have to substitute my picture for someone else. Who'd want to buy a weight loss book from a fat guy? For some reason putting a plan into place and knowing what to do is the easy part, it's the follow through that I can't seem to get.

Recently I've had some health issues creep up. Yes, I went and saw my doctor who really didn't seem alarmed at all. What I thought were blood clots in my legs from lack of circulation he said was an infection, easily treatable with a course of antibiotics. I think he missed the big picture to be honest. He made no mention of my 140/100 blood pressure which is still going on unchecked and unregulated. Or the fact that I've gained 35 pounds since I saw him last. The long term health risks literally scare the shit out of me. You'd think that would be enough for me to get my act together. But I'm sure a heroine addict knows damn well that shooting up isn't good for him either. The health issues are on my mind day and night. I'm scaring the death out of my poor wife. Why she puts up with my crap I'll never know. Someone asked me recently if I was the same person that she married back in 1994 and if she had to do it again would she marry the person I am now. Wow, talk about a kick in the teeth. I couldn't answer that. I just can't see that she would. Not only is this unattractive, but unhealthy as well. Who wants that!

Thats right, I said it. It's unhealthy to be fat. You'd think that by now some government would ban unhealthy foods as a matter of national security. Seriously, who'd want a whole squadron of 350 pound guys on a battlefield? Lets face it, they aren't the most agile of creatures, and they are a bigger target, and casualties I'm sure, would mount to astronomical levels. So wouldn't it be in our governments best interest to shut down these Cheeseburger houses of doom? Yeah, I know. I can't sue McDonald's for me being fat. *sigh* On to the next idea.

For me this is becoming an obsession. Is that good or bad? It's what I think about from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to bed. What am I going to eat, how much, is that mayo fat free? etc etc etc. This could easily consume your entire day. Planning your day, counting your calories, how much fat did I eat? Was that too many carbs? No wonder I'm tired when I get home. My brain is in overdrive thinking about food all day long. Trying to keep everything in order and stick top my game plan. Then, the moment I screw up and eat the wrong thing my attitude is to just say "fuck it" eat whatever the hell I want and start all over the next day. Lets just say, that I've yet to do two back to back days of eating right.

Oh well.. fuck it, lets try again tomorrow.


WeaselMomma said...

Baby steps. Don't try to do it all at once. Give up one thing at a time. Focus and be determined on that 1 thing.
As far as your wife goes, she loves you and married you for what's inside. I am sure she doesn't regret 1 minute, but also wants to keep you around for a long time.
Stick with it. Hang in there. Take baby steps. BTW, I love you too and miss you.

seashore subjects said...

You are such a goof! Of course I would have married you - I just wouldn't have let you near fast food from the get-go! 2 days back-to-back of making largely good choices is an improvement. Even little steps will get you around the block if you make enough of them.

Anonymous said...

ditto what both of them said. and yeah, i guess i love you too. ugh. don't you dare make any redneck jokes about me for at least the next 2 visits! i earned that :)

and hey, don't beat yourself up when you screw up, but don't just say fuck and continue screwing up. just realise that you're human therefore not perfect.

and dont forget to throw in some exercise. they say when you get in "the zone" that all that shit tumbling around in your brain will give you a rest.

good luck and good health! i want you around for years to come. you're too much fun to tease to lose anytime soon :)